Ramadan was my best friend and she just left for a year long vacation. I miss her already. I miss the way she woke me up before dawn, the way she protected me from this world that keeps calling my name, from the whispers in my brain, from the devils that roam free again. As I sit here my heart is so full, so full of all the things I desire and all the faith that I have acquired, but in this conflict of good and evil I miss the emptiness. I miss having the singular goal of appeasing God with every call of my desires, I miss feeling the pain and knowing with such certainty that only God could fill me with the eternal food of faith and patience. I have never felt as full as when my body is empty of this world, and full of this Divine love. I hear the Azan here, thousands of miles from home, I see the hijab here on millions of heads, I notice the beard graced on all these faces and yet I can't seem to find Islam the way I felt it when I was with Ramadan, the way I felt it in the mosque of my heart. I pray to a qibla pointing to Mecca but when I am truly with my Lord this Heart becomes my Kabaa and I pray inside, and inside this Kabaa there is no qibla. The true prayer is in this place, where every direction is sacred, where every where you turn you face your Lord, where the qibla loses all meaning because there is no longer two because all illusions disappear and there is only the singularity of Allah. But here in this outer world, in this Islamic country, in Morocco, in Iran, in Saudi Arabia I don't see the heart of Islam I only see the body, the actions, and the words. I can't feel the heart, the feeling, the living out of these words. And this year too another Islamic country, another reminder that no country, no place, no person, or community will give me the peace that only God can gift. In this moment instead of longing for Ramadan I will live her, instead of waiting for Ramadan I will make her a part of me and live every moment facing Allah with my difficulties, with my bodies hunger, and ask that He bring the endless table of provision He brought for Jesus to appease my hunger with a sustenance beyond the physical 👇🏽👇🏽 I will ask on bended knees this time, I will ask with my face planted like a seed in the dirt this time, I will ask for His Mercy to rain upon my dust made body and make a garden of faith of me, this time I will ask with all of me, this time I will not wait for Ramadan to save me because as much as I love her, I am not sure if I will still be in this land when she returns. And unlike the seasons of this Earth Allah knows no spring or winter when it comes to faith. Every season you can plant seeds of love and every season you can reap the peace watered by sincerity. So today is my day, here and now is my Ramadan, time is no longer my jailer because time only applies to this mortal body and I now seek to live in this eternal spirit. Now I seek to live not in the worship of God but in the giving away of all that is me, of all that is illusion so nothing exists but God. Here I find peace, here where the worshipper with the act of worship pass away and only the One worshipped remains. La Illaha IllAllah #oneness
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